Introduction to Understanding Our Attachment Style

Have you ever caught yourself thinking, “Why do my relationships always seem to play out the same way?” Maybe you notice that no matter how hard you try, you keep ending up in the same arguments, feeling the same frustrations, or falling into the same patterns — whether that’s pulling away when things get close, or worrying when someone seems distant. You’re not alone, and there’s a reason for it. Understanding attachment styles in adults provides clarity about why we attract the same types of relationships and why we keep repeating the same cycles.

The way we connect, trust, and respond in close relationships is shaped by something called our attachment style. It’s the invisible script that guides how we love, communicate, and cope when things feel uncertain. Understanding your attachment style doesn’t just help you make sense of your past — it gives you the power to change your future relationships.

This article will walk you through what attachment style really means, why it matters for every adult (yes, even you), and how you can start noticing the patterns that shape your closest connections. By the end, you’ll have a better understanding of why you love the way you do — and what you can do to create relationships that feel more safe, secure, and fulfilling.

What Is Attachment, Really?

Attachment is something we all have. It’s the deep emotional bond that connects us to the people we depend on — first as children, throughout adolescence and then later as adults. It’s what helps us feel safe enough to explore and to take risks. It allows us trust that when things fall apart, someone will be there to help us put them back together. A secure attachment helps to shape our confidence, our tenacity for life and our capacity to engage in meaningful and lasting connection.

As babies, our attachment forms with our primary caregivers — the people who feed us, comfort us, and respond to our needs. Through these early experiences, we begin to develop an inner sense of how relationships work: Are people reliable? Can I trust that my needs will be met? Am I worthy of love and care?

Over time, this internal “relationship blueprint” shapes how we connect with others throughout life. In adolescence, our attachment system begins expanding — we start forming new emotional bonds with friends, mentors, and eventually romantic partners. By adulthood, these attachments become the foundation of our most intimate relationships. By understanding our attachment style as adults, we are better able to recognize patterns and build new pathways rooted in safety.

But here’s what’s fascinating: we don’t form attachment bonds with everyone. Attachment is reserved for those few relationships that feel essential to fulfilling innate human needs. As infants, this need is to be soothed and fed. As we grow, these needs look different but they remain all the more integral to our overall well-being.

Why Attachment Matters

Our early attachments do far more than shape our childhood — they influence how we show up in the world as adults. They affect how we handle conflict, how we express emotions, how close we allow others to get, and even how we see ourselves.

When we experience secure attachment in early life, we grow up believing that people are dependable and that we are worthy of love. This security becomes a launching pad, giving us the confidence to explore, to try, to fail, and to trust that we can always come back to a safe and supportive base.

On the other hand, if our early experiences with caregivers were inconsistent, distant, or even destructive, we may develop patterns of insecure attachment — patterns that can make adult relationships feel confusing, frustrating, or painful.

These patterns aren’t permanent. They’re adaptive responses we learned early on — ways to protect ourselves in relationships that felt unpredictable. And the good news is that, as adults, we can understand and change these patterns.

How Attachment Styles Develop

Research in attachment theory shows that our attachment style can be understood through two key lenses:

• How we view ourselves — Do I believe I’m worthy of love and care?
• How we view others — Do I trust others to respond to my needs?

When both of these views are positive, we develop what’s known as a secure attachment style. This is the ideal — where we can depend on others without losing our sense of independence, and trust that love and closeness are safe.

If either of those views is negative, we’re more likely to develop an insecure attachment style, which can show up in a few different ways:

• Anxious attachment: craving closeness but fearing abandonment
• Avoidant attachment: valuing independence so much that closeness feels unsafe or suffocating
• Disorganized attachment: wanting connection but also fearing it, often due to early experiences of trauma or inconsistency

Understanding which pattern fits you best can be a powerful first step toward creating more secure, fulfilling relationships — both with others and with yourself.

Learning Your Own Attachment Style

Let’s get curious together. The more that we can understand ourselves, the more power we have over our lives and ultimately to heal the parts of us that keep us stuck. This is a step that we can all begin today. We can begin to notice more about ourselves, being intentional and mindful about bringing our attention to thoughts, feelings and behaviours.

With this new awareness, take a closer look at your relationships. Notice how you respond to closeness, conflict, or distance. These everyday moments can reveal a lot about the attachment patterns that guide you. As you pay attention, you may start to see signs that point toward either secure or insecure attachment. Here’s what to look for…

Signs of a Secure Attachment

Adults with both a positive view of self and view of others are likely to experience a secure attachment. This otherwise means having trust in others to show up for you and also a belief in your inherent worth and individual deserving of affection, connection and support.

If you have a secure attachment style, you are likely to experience the following…

• Comfort with emotional closeness and dependence; meaning you can be close to others without feeling overwhelmed or “too vulnerable.”
• Healthy and balanced independence; meaning you can rely on others and be self-reliant.
• You can express needs, feelings, and boundaries clearly, and can ask for help without guilt or fear.
• You can experience difficult emotions without shutting down or becoming overwhelmed and can seek support when appropriate.
• You expect that others will be consistent and responsive, and can yourself act in reliable, responsive ways in relationships.

This is not an exhaustive list of characteristics of a secure attachment, nor does it suggest that a secure attachment style is without challenges. While secure attachment offers a foundation of stability, it doesn’t mean someone will never struggle in their relationships. All of us experience moments of doubt, conflict, or emotional vulnerability. The difference is that, for securely attached individuals, these challenges remain manageable and don’t define the relationship. In contrast, when patterns become consistently overwhelming—when fear, avoidance, or emotional turmoil start to shape how someone connects with others—we begin to see the hallmarks of insecure attachment.

Signs of an Insecure Attachment

Experiencing an insecure attachment style doesn’t mean something is “wrong” with you. It simply means your early relationships taught you to adapt in ways that helped you cope at the time, but may feel limiting now. These patterns are not personality flaws. They’re protective strategies the nervous system learned early on. Understanding your attachment style can help you recognize your needs more clearly and create relationships that feel safer and more stable. There are three variations of an insecure attachment style: anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. Let’s review them more closely.

Anxious Attachment Style

Adults who have a positive view of others but a negative view of self have an anxious attachment style. They often carry the same underlying fear that drives their attachment behaviour in childhood: “I’m not enough,” “people will leave me,” or “love must be earned.” If you have a negative view of self here’s what you might notice:

• Constant self doubt, that sounds like, “do they still like me? Did I annoy them?”
• Difficulty over analysing relationships, like replaying conversations or looking for hidden meanings
• You will notice fear of abandonment, so that even a small distance can trigger feelings of anxiety
• You may seek constant reassurance
• Have difficulty setting boundaries like saying yes when you’d like to say no
• Becoming clingy/ hypervigilant
• Feel extremely hurt in conflict

Avoidant Attachment Style

Adults with a positive view of self but negative view of others have an avoidant attachment style. This means they often believe they can only rely on themselves, while closeness or dependence on others feels unsafe, unnecessary, or suffocating.

If you have a negative view of others you might notice…

● Discomfort with vulnerability
● Belief that others are going to disappoint you
● Self reliance as a tool to protect yourself, so feeling very proud when you are independent
● Avoiding emotions or minimizing your needs, saying “I’m fine” or “its not a big deal”, even if your feelings are hurt
● You may find yourself avoiding intimacy, or pulling away after being vulnerable. You might downplay conflicts, have difficulty expressing affection and prefer to be in control

Disorganized Attachment Style

The remaining possibility is that you find yourself moving between both anxious and avoidant. A disorganized attachment is a combination of both anxious and avoidant, or more specifically, a difficulty trusting both the self and others. Disorganized attachment is not to be imagined as an isolated camp, but rather a dance between two places where neither brings peace or comfort.

You might notice…

• A push–pull dynamic is often present; you may desperately seek closeness and feel an urge to withdraw or shut down when you get it
• Relationships feel unsafe or unpredictable
• Unlike anxious or avoidant attachment—which follow clearer patterns—disorganized attachment feels chaotic and confusing, both to you and those around you
• Beliefs like: “I’m not safe”, “Others can’t be trusted”, “Something bad will happen” are typical

Understanding Your Attachment Style in Adult Relationships

Beginning to notice your own attachment patterns can feel overwhelming at first. It can stir up old emotions, memories, and realizations that aren’t always easy to face. But this awareness is a powerful first step toward change. Understanding your attachment style as an adult helps bridge the gap between past, present and future, creating new neural pathways to develop a more secure attachment style.

The more we understand ourselves — our needs, fears, and patterns — the more choice we have in how we relate to others. With time, patience, and support, we can begin to build the kind of secure, fulfilling relationships we’ve always deserved.

Our team at Attuned Therapy + Wellness offers psychotherapy for couples and family therapy virtually across Ontario and in-person at our Kincardine therapy clinic. Our team is trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). EFT helps individuals, couples, and families understand their emotional patterns, respond more compassionately to each other, repair conflict, and build secure bonds. It is one of the most research-supported approaches for improving relationships because it works directly with the attachment needs that shape how we love, connect, and parent.

Please reach out to us either by booking a free 15 minute consultation with our client care coordinator or by completing the appointment request form. Our team is here to provide attachment-focused therapy to all families in Ontario.

Further Reading to Understand Attachment

There are many books available to help you understand your attachment style as an adult. Here are a few therapist-approved recommendations:

“Attached” By Amir levine and Rachel Heller

“Anxiously Attached: Becoming More Secure in Life and Love” By Jessica Baum