How We Speak to Ourselves Matters

The way we talk to ourselves shapes our emotional well-being, our relationships with our children, and even how we parent. Self-talk—the ongoing inner dialogue we have with ourselves—can be supportive or critical, conscious or automatic. Parenting often magnifies the self-critical voice because we are constantly making decisions that affect others. When we fail to validate our own needs or dismiss our feelings, negative self-talk can intensify, leaving us exhausted, anxious, or resentful. Taking care of ourselves as parents allows our children to grow up knowing that they themselves are worth taking care of when it comes time for them to become a parent. Learning how to provide yourself with positive self-talk is one key aspect of taking care of yourself as a parent.

Understanding Internalized Self-Talk

Many parents experience negative self-talk that falls into two categories:

1. Internalizing thoughts: These are self-directed and often involve feelings of guilt or inadequacy. For example: “I shouldn’t need a break; I’m a bad parent if I do.”
2. Externalizing thoughts: These direct judgment outward and may manifest as frustration or blame toward others. For example: “Why can’t they behave better so I can get a break?”

These patterns are often rooted in our upbringing. Research on internalized parenting and self-criticism shows that individuals who grew up in overly critical environments may carry a “parental voice” in their head, automatically evaluating their performance and judging themselves harshly (Gilbert, 2010).

When negative self-talk becomes habitual, it can increase stress, reduce self-compassion, and even impair decision-making (Neff, 2003). For parents, this may result in:

• Feeling guilty for taking personal time
• Overcompensating to meet children’s needs
• Difficulty setting boundaries without shame

The Role of Self-Compassion

A growing body of research emphasizes the importance of self-compassion for mental health and parenting. Kristin Neff’s work (2003, 2011) highlights three core components:

1. Self-kindness: Being warm and understanding toward yourself rather than self-critical.
2. Common humanity: Recognizing that struggles and imperfections are part of the shared human experience.
3. Mindfulness: Maintaining balanced awareness of painful thoughts and emotions without over-identifying with them.

Parents who practice self-compassion are more likely to be patient, attuned, and emotionally available to their children (Neff & Faso, 2015). Self-compassion does not mean indulgence—it supports healthy boundaries and sustainable caregiving. Self-compassion releases the burden of shame, allowing parents to see that they deserve to be seen, cared for, and loved even ( (perhaps especially!) in the hard times of life. It can be challenging in the role of a parent to prioritize compassion for yourself, being that you are caretaking your children and want to prioritize their mental health and well-being. However, fostering your own self-compassion teaches your kids how to foster their own, which in turn allows them to build independence in an age-appropriate way over the years.

Practical Ways to Foster Positive Self-Talk

Cognitive behavioural strategies are useful when fostering positive self-talk as parents. Awareness is the first step – becoming aware of how your thoughts automatically go to the negative, self-blame cycle that makes you feel bad about yourself. Shifting negative patterns takes practice, but small daily actions can create meaningful change:

1. Notice automatic thoughts: Begin by becoming aware of critical inner dialogues. Simply naming these thoughts—“This is my inner critic speaking”—can reduce their impact.
2. Challenge self-critical thoughts: Ask yourself, “Is this thought true? Is it helpful?” Replace judgments with balanced statements.
   • Instead of: “I’m a terrible parent for needing a break,” try: “I am caring for myself so I can be present with my child.”
3. Reframe failure as learning: Recognize that mistakes are opportunities to model growth and resilience to your children. Saying something along the lines of “accidents happen, and that’s okay!” when you or your child make a mistake lets everyone in the family know that life-long learning is the expectation, not perfection.
4. Use mindfulness or meditation: Practices such as Loving-Kindness Meditation or guided self-compassion exercises help interrupt the cycle of automatic negativity. Even 5–10 minutes per day can strengthen awareness and kindness toward yourself.
5. Journaling: Writing down critical thoughts and reframing them in a compassionate way can reduce self-criticism and improve emotional clarity (Pennebaker & Smyth, 2016).

Why This Matters for Parenting

Our internal dialogue is not isolated—it directly influences our interactions with our children. Parents who habitually engage in negative self-talk may:

• Overreact to minor child behaviours due to stress
• Struggle to maintain consistent emotional regulation
• Model self-criticism or shame to their children

It’s amazing to start noticing the triggers that come up in parenting, and how few of them actually have to do with what our kids did. How we speak to ourselves directly impacts how we feel in our body, which in turn propels us into action. Building mindful awareness of our thoughts and actions allows us to respond rather than react, which lessens our guilt.

When we cultivate positive self-talk and self-compassion, children are more likely to internalize healthy coping strategies, emotional regulation, and self-worth. This aligns with attachment theory, which emphasizes that attuned caregivers—those who respond to children with awareness and empathy—foster secure attachment (Bowlby, 1988).

When looking at how parenting has evolved over the past few generations, more of a priority has been placed on emotional attunement. This is due to increased evidence that supports parenting rooted in strong attachment as a key factor of healthy child development.

While we can deeply wish to give this to our kids, it is very challenging to pour this emotional connection into our families from an empty cup – meaning, if we ourselves as parents don’t feel supported emotionally by ourselves, our family of origin, our partners, or other adults we stay friends with, it is going to feel very depleting to be always “on” for our kids. This is where we as parents can become increasingly frustrated and resentful. Positive self-talk is one way we can start to gradually give back to ourselves, without having to take on more tasks or lengthening our never-ending To-Do lists.

Positive Self-Talk is For Parents & Kids, Too

Parenting is demanding, and self-critical thoughts are natural—but they don’t have to control you. By noticing your inner dialogue, practicing self-compassion, and intentionally reframing your thoughts, you can reduce stress, increase resilience, and model emotional health for your children. You deserve to feel good while you help your kids feel good, too. Our kids pick up on how we see them and ourselves. When we build more positive self-talk and self-compassion, our kids naturally see themselves in a more positive light. Children and youth who have parents that speak kindly towards themselves and each other are more likely to build healthy attachments in adulthood. This is how we as parents can break generational cycles, allowing our kids to enjoy life with their loved ones in a healthy, self-led way.

Remember: Positive self-talk is a skill, not a trait. The more we practice, the easier it becomes to balance our own needs with the needs of our family, creating a healthier, more connected home environment.

Strengthen Your Parenting with Virtual Therapy in Ontario

Looking for responsive parenting support from the comfort of your own home? Parents across Ontario can now access virtual therapy sessions with our team of licensed psychotherapists, specializing in attachment-based approaches. These sessions are designed to help you nurture secure, attuned relationships with your children while managing the everyday challenges of parenting.

Our online therapy sessions can help you:

• Transform self-critical thoughts into compassionate self-talk
• Apply attachment-based strategies for emotional regulation and attunement
• Build confidence in your parenting decisions
• Receive guidance tailored to your unique family dynamics

Virtual Therapy in Ontario is ideal for parents who:

• Live in rural or underserved areas and need flexible access to therapy
• Balance demanding work and family schedules
• Want ongoing support while practicing new parenting strategies in real life

Take the first step toward responsive, mindful parenting today. Book a session with our Ontario-based virtual therapy team and give yourself and your child the support you both deserve.

References:

• Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. Basic Books.
• Gilbert, P. (2010). The Compassionate Mind. New Harbinger Publications.
• Neff, K. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85–101.
• Neff, K., & Faso, D. J. (2015). Self-compassion and well-being in parents of children with autism. Mindfulness, 6, 938–947.
• Pennebaker, J., & Smyth, J. (2016). Opening Up by Writing It Down. Guilford Press.