Finding Balance: How to Care for Yourself While Being an Attuned Parent

Parenting is a delicate balance between caring for your children and taking care of yourself. Many parents experience a push-and-pull between self-sacrifice and self-care: “I deserve to take some time for myself,” versus “I’m being selfish if I do something just for me.” Understanding this balance is essential—not just for your well-being, but for your children’s emotional and social development. In this article we will review what selfish parenting means, how to balance your needs with the needs of your children, and evidence-backed knowledge about the importance of secure attachment for yourself and your family.

What Does “Selfish” Mean in Parenting?

The term “selfish” is often used negatively, but in psychology, taking care of your own needs is not inherently selfish—it is necessary for healthy functioning. Research shows that parents who engage in self-care experience lower stress, less burnout, and higher emotional availability for their children (Shorey et al., 2018).

Children benefit when parents maintain boundaries, practice self-compassion, and model healthy emotional regulation. On the other hand, excessive self-sacrifice can lead to parental burnout, which is associated with emotional detachment, irritability, and reduced responsiveness to children (Mikolajczak et al., 2018).

“Parenting burnout can negatively impact parent-child interactions and attachment security.” — Mikolajczak et al., 2018

Why Self-Care is Essential

Self-care is not indulgence—it is a developmental requirement for parents. To respond sensitively to a child’s emotional needs, parents must have emotional and cognitive bandwidth. Studies on attachment theory emphasize that a parent’s ability to regulate their own emotions directly impacts their attunement to a child (Ainsworth et al., 1978; Siegel & Hartzell, 2013).

Self-care strategies might include:

• Setting aside time for hobbies, rest, or mindfulness exercises
• Practicing stress-reduction techniques like meditation or deep breathing
• Seeking support from partners, family, or a therapist

When parents prioritize self-care, children witness healthy boundary-setting, which fosters secure attachment and emotional resilience. It is a full-time job managing a household and everyone’s emotions. Often the labour involved with managing children’s emotions is unseen, and it can easily become a weight that the primary caregiver feels overwhelmed by. Self-care is talked about, but isn’t supported enough in our society as a whole. We need to support parents more to take time for themselves so that they don’t become burned out and overwhelmed by the emotional caregiving involved in parenting young children and teens.

Understanding the Inner Critic

Many parents struggle with negative self-talk: “I’m being selfish for taking time for myself.” These thoughts often stem from childhood experiences and cultural expectations. Internalized beliefs about parental duty can trigger guilt and anxiety, undermining effective self-care (Gilligan, 2015).

Learning the importance of positive self-talk can help parents:

• Identify and challenge self-critical thoughts
• Understand how early experiences shape beliefs about giving and receiving care
• Develop a balanced approach that meets both parent and child needs

“Am I A Selfish Parent?”

While healthy self-care is essential, it is important to distinguish it from self-absorbed parenting, where a parent’s needs consistently take precedence over the child’s emotional or physical needs. If parents are struggling to focus on their children, it is likely that they have learned this pattern from their own childhood, and that they are struggling to be aware of others’ needs. Often this is a result of traumatic events happening to the adult in their lifetime, resulting in PTSD or complex trauma, which in turn negatively impacts their children. By learning about their tendencies to focus on themselves and seeking support to process their trauma, parents are able to break trauma cycles, allowing next generations to feel more attached to their caregivers, thereby allowing them to feel more connected to others as a whole.

Signs of Self-Absorbed Parenting

Parents may unintentionally engage in self-absorbed behaviours due to stress, burnout, or lack of awareness. Research shows that these patterns are associated with inconsistent or neglectful caregiving, which can affect children’s emotional development and sense of security. Some signs of self-absorbed parenting include:

• Prioritizing your own desires or schedule over your child’s needs
• Neglecting to perform basic parenting duties
• Reacting with frustration when your child seeks attention or comfort
• Expecting children to accommodate your emotional needs
• Difficulty empathizing with your child’s feelings

Attachment Science Perspective on Self-Absorbed Parenting Styles

Attachment theory (Bowlby, 1969; Ainsworth et al., 1978) emphasizes that children thrive when caregivers are emotionally available, attuned, and responsive. Selfish parenting is something that we all want to avoid, and it can be hard to consider whether we are being a selfish parent. Please know that if you resonate with some of this, help is available for both yourself and your family. We do not automatically learn how to build strong attachments when we never witnessed them growing up. By learning how to become attuned caregivers, we have another opportunity to become attuned to ourselves.

When parents are consistently focused on themselves and not their children:

• Children may develop insecure attachment patterns, such as anxious or avoidant attachment
• They can feel unseen, unimportant, or responsible for the parent’s emotions
• Long-term outcomes may include challenges with emotional regulation, forming trusting relationships, and self-esteem

Parenting styles often associated with self-absorbed tendencies include:

• Permissive/Indulgent: Parents prioritize convenience or desires, giving children freedom without guidance
• Neglectful/Uninvolved: Parents are emotionally or physically unavailable
• Authoritarian (in some cases): Rules reflect the parent’s personal agenda rather than the child’s developmental needs

The key factor is limited emotional availability and responsiveness, which attachment science identifies as essential for secure parent-child relationships.

Balancing Selfishness and Selflessness

Healthy parenting involves intentional self-care combined with attuned caregiving. We want parents to feel supported to care for themselves while also prioritizing their children’s emotional health and well-being. Being a selfish parent or selfless parent is not the answer, we want to model self-care while demonstrating empathy towards others. Evidence-based strategies to support us to find this balance include:

1. Mindful Reflection: Check in with yourself daily. Ask, “Am I responding from a place of calm, centred clarity?” and “Am I prioritizing my needs with the needs of my children?”
2. Planned Self-Care: Schedule regular breaks, exercise, or hobbies. Consistency in self-care practices builds your emotional capacity. Building routines with a partner or loved one who can support you is integral.
3. Family Integration: Model self-care while involving children appropriately, such as family walks or shared mindfulness practices. Self-care does not need to equal time away, it can be integrated into all aspects of our life by noticing what you want and involving your own interests and needs into your daily rhythms.
4. Professional Support: Therapists trained in attachment and self-regulation strategies can guide parents in balancing self-care and responsiveness. Our team of trained mental health professionals support parents Ontario-wide through virtual therapy and in-person at our Kincardine therapy clinic.

Parents who take care of themselves are better able to respond calmly, empathically, and consistently—key factors in secure attachment (Shorey et al., 2018).

When Self-Sacrifice Becomes Harmful

Selflessness can be seen as admirable in our society, but when it comes at the cost of your mental or physical health, it can undermine your parenting. Sometimes we fear being a selfish parent so much that we can’t bring ourselves to take care of our own needs. Parenting is hard-work, and if we are only focused on our kids and not ourselves, we can easily become burned-out and exhausted.

Signs that you may be self-sacrificing too much for the sake of parenting your kids include:

• Chronic exhaustion or irritability
• Emotional detachment from children
• Physical symptoms such as headaches or sleep disturbances
• Resentment or loss of enjoyment in parenting

Recognizing these signs is the first step toward establishing a healthy balance between self-care and caregiving. It happens all too often – as a parent, you neglect our needs for the sake of your kids to make sure they receive everything they can, but you find yourself becoming irritable, annoyed, and blunt when they come for help. These signs do not mean you are a “bad parent”. It means you need care and attention. Once you feel better about yourself and your own emotional needs are met, you will more easily be able to be fully present for your family.

Need Support? Help is Here

Parenting is not about choosing between selfishness and selflessness—it’s about finding balance. Evidence from attachment research and parental well-being studies consistently shows that parents who care for themselves are better equipped to raise emotionally secure children. And yet, we also want to make sure we are responding to our children’s needs as much as possible so that their emotional needs are not neglected.

Taking time for yourself is not selfish—it’s responsible, healthy, and essential. By prioritizing self-care, parents model emotional regulation, resilience, and secure attachment, benefiting the entire family system.

If you’re struggling to find this balance, our Ontario-based therapists offer virtual sessions in attachment-based parenting support. Book a session today to develop strategies tailored to your family’s needs.

References:

• Ainsworth, M. D., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of Attachment: A Psychological Study of the Strange Situation.
• Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss, Vol. 1: Attachment. Basic Books.
• Gilligan, C. (2015). The Listening Guide: Method and Practice. Harvard University Press.
• Mikolajczak, M., Brianda, M. E., Avalosse, H., & Roskam, I. (2018). Consequences of parental burnout: Its specific effect on child neglect and violence. Child Abuse & Neglect, 80, 134–145.
• Shorey S, Chee CYI, Ng ED, Chan YH, Tam WWS, Chong YS. (2018) Prevalence and incidence of postpartum depression among healthy mothers: A systematic review and meta-analysis. J Psychiatr Res. 104:235-248.
• Siegel, D. J., & Hartzell, M. (2013). Parenting from the Inside Out: How a Deeper Self-Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive. TarcherPerigee.