It is something that we all have experienced as parents – those difficult moments in parenting that test our patience and confidence in our abilities. When our children test limits, are going through a significant developmental milestone, or are changing right in front of our eyes, it can result in feeling completely overwhelmed by parenting. We are meant to hold the answers and be the ones to course correct when our children are feeling dysregulated, but oftentimes when we hit (or surpass) our window of tolerance, we are the ones that end up lashing out and having a meltdown. Not only does this end up making us feel terrible for yelling or saying something we didn’t mean, it also causes the connection we have with our children to become more uneasy, which in turn can result in even more behavioural challenges, causing a cycle that can be hard to get out of.

In this article, we will be reviewing some key considerations and strategies that can be used when we are experiencing hard moments in parenting. Whether you have an infant, toddler, preschooler, school-age child or teen (or maybe a few kids at different ages like me), please be kind to yourself. You are everything your children need when going through hard times, and parenting is the hardest job out there.

Seeing Mistakes As Learning Opportunities For Ourselves and Our Children

If we learned growing up that performing and achieving allowed us to feel good, it can be incredibly hard to transition into parenthood where our efforts are often unrecognized and tasks are endless. Unfortunately for many of us Millennials and Gen Z’ers, seeking perfection and receiving recognition for achievements are two coping mechanisms that helped us get through our life thus far. Mistakes are wonderful gifts, though. We all have heard the phrase that “practice makes perfect”, but what if we instead adopt a new phrase, “practice makes sure we have lots of opportunities for growth”? Growth does not just end when we become adults. Our brains are constantly growing and making new neural connections.

Parenting is all learning, and the ability to remain curious can help us to feel more at ease with being imperfect parents and less overwhelmed by parenting. When we adopt a curious approach to our children’s meltdowns or challenges, we can offer our kids enough compassion to recognize that their behaviours are actually a result of something going on for them. Are they spending too much time on screens in the morning and then misbehave in the afternoon? Do they keep us up at night into their preschooler years because they are going through a new developmental milestone and are scared of the dark now? Are your kids being annoying because you and your husband have been checked out lately? Is your teen daughter becoming more and more isolated in her room because she is not feeling seen or heard? We do not want to ever feel as though we as parents are the cause of our children’s behaviours, and it can feel uncomfortable to consider these possibilities. Often we have defenses that instinctually come up: “Well, I’m also working full time, the least they can do is be respectful of me when I’m home”, or “we are doing everything for them and they won’t lift a finger without complaining about it. My kids have nothing to complain about.” Or, we may instead automatically adopt a self-deprecating mindset, with an inner-critic telling us that we are terrible parents or that there is nothing we can do right. In either case, we aren’t able to fully witness our children while they are going through something difficult, and the same is true about being unable to witness our own hurts.

Key Strategy: If/when we have a part of us that jumps in to criticize ourselves or our children, we can take a moment to notice when it’s happening. Notice, then pause. Pause, then offer some kind words instead. When we offer compassion towards ourselves as parents in these difficult moments, we can stop those parts in their tracks. This allows our curiosity to come forward so that we can clearly hear our needs and the needs of our children from a place of openness and compassion rather than defensive misunderstanding. With a curious mind, we can take any parenting challenge as a learning opportunity to grow from rather than a failure or bad behaviour. This eventually translates to our children being able to see their own mistakes as learning opportunities rather than failures, helping to ensure they adopt a resilient mindset when difficulties arise in life.

Naming Our Emotions When Overwhelmed by Parenting

Have you ever felt so annoyed/angry/frustrated/bitter that every fiber in your body wanted to explode? Oftentimes parenting can bring out the strongest emotions for us, causing bursts of rage we never imagined could be hiding below the surface. People who felt completely in control of their emotions can suddenly find themselves screaming, slamming doors, or even hitting out of anger when overwhelmed by parenting. This overwhelm can be due to sensory overload, stress, or can be a result of untreated ADHD, anxiety or depression.

Regardless of why you are feeling what you are feeling, there are times when we can hold space for our emotions, and there are also times when we must try to minimize the impact of our strong emotions on those around us. The latter can be difficult when we are being with our kids every hour of the day, and especially if we don’t have many outside supports for ourselves or our kids. Many parents these days do not have grandparents within driving distance that they would entrust to leave their kids with so that they can decompress and hit the reset button. Many others are single parents or have partners that are working 2 or 3 jobs to sustain the family, while they themselves are working full time. In cases like these, it’s important that we have a way to express our emotions while protecting the parent-child relationship.

Key Strategy: The Name it to Tame it exercise was created by Dr. Daniel Siegel as a way to reduce negative emotions. The concept is very simple – when you are noticing tensions rising within, take a moment to become aware of what it is you are feeling. Are you angry? Sad? Overwhelmed? Great. Now say it out loud. For example, the other day my preschooler was not listening to me and running at the library. I needed to collect myself afterwards, and could feel myself becoming more and more upset and embarrassed by the behaviour. On the way to the van, I noticed these feelings and said out loud in front of my four kids, “I am feeling very angry. I need to stomp out these feelings.” I began to stomp loudly, which in turn helped my preschooler to stomp his feelings out too. Noticing these feelings help us to feel seen and heard, while also offering us some time to express our emotions in a way that doesn’t feel threatening towards our children. We also get to show our kids how they themselves can express their emotions without harming anyone else, which is an invaluable skill that they will carry into adulthood (and parenthood, of course).

Taking Time to Rest When There Appears to Be No Time At All

Have you ever been told that you need to rest more, and internally felt even more overwhelmed by parenting because you don’t have time to get everything accomplished let alone add rest into your repertoire? Been there. The Zen saying comes to mind: “You should sit in meditation for 20 minutes a day, unless you are too busy; then you should sit for an hour.” Parenting is an endless array of tasks to complete. We have to shuttle children here and there, keep the house in working order, make at least 3 meals a day plus snacks, fuel the household with extra income if there is need, plus take care of ourselves somehow. So filling up our own cup may sound simple, but often it ends up feeling like just another thing on our to-do list that is never ending, and our self-care somehow ends up at the bottom of the list each and every time.

Key Strategy: Learning to rest with your kids in tow. Have you ever felt overwhelmed by parenting, and then took time to rest while your kids were with you? I never had done this for the first decade of parenting, but then became more and more aware of my emotions and physical discomforts. I was able to tell when my energy levels were beginning to plummet, and instead of pushing through with more caffeine or energy drinks, I began to listen to my body’s need to more rest. This wasn’t easy at first – my inner critics came in at full force. “Aren’t you supposed to be parenting right now instead of laying on the floor?” “Kids are bored, Tori. You are a crap parent for not giving them meaningful experiences. They are going to look back at their childhoods and remember nothing good.” Aren’t we all hearing these lovely things in our minds when we as parents allow ourselves to take a break? Hearing these negative comments about ourselves can make it feel as though resting isn’t worth trying at all, or we try to fit all of our rest in at the end of the day after the kids go to sleep. It’s not simple enough to lay on the floor though, is it? It actually is. I keep seeing these grounding mats on my Instagram feed, and all I can think is “Wow. People can just lay on their floors and experience the same thing.” This may not exactly true, but the feeling that you will get after spending 10 minutes laying on the floor of your living room (without watching a screen, mind you) will be exactly what your body and mind needs when overwhelmed by parenting. The greatest thing about taking a 10-minute time out on the floor is that it is possible to do it any time of the day, which allows us to feel less pressure to stay up late and binge-watch TV to refill our cup (which as we know often backfires the next day). Telling your kids that you are resting helps your kids rest their beautiful little minds too, which in turn can lower their emotional outbursts and helps them to build self-awareness for when they are needing rest. So grab a pillow and starfish away, friends.

Help is Here if You Need it

The therapists here at Attuned Therapy + Wellness support parents and children to release wounds from their past and regulate their emotions so that the whole family can move through life enjoying the present moment. We are all in this parenting thing together. If you are searching for a psychotherapist that is in Ontario that focuses on parenting overwhelm, please book your session HERE.