When it comes to supporting our children’s emotions as parents, there always seems to be another expert offering advice. While these experts are often well-intentioned, parenting can quickly become overwhelming when the suggestions conflict. I struggle with how to share this information at times — not because I don’t believe in it, but because I don’t want to add further pressure to already overwhelmed parents. And yet, these conversations are deeply important if we want to better navigate the difficult moments that come with raising children.

Why Supporting Emotion Feels So Hard as Parents

It’s interesting, isn’t it? Something as simple as witnessing our child’s sadness, anger, or frustration can create so much tension within us. Even though strong emotion is not a tangible threat, our bodies can react impulsively as though we are being harmed.

There is still so much we do not fully understand about emotion and why it impacts us so deeply. But perhaps it is both simple and complex, as many important things are. Parents do not need a complete neuroscience lesson to understand why emotions can feel overwhelming. We may not fully understand every mechanism of the brain, but we do know this: emotions are deeply felt within the body.

This is something I see often in my work with parents and families, and something I have also experienced within myself as a parent.

Emotions are meant to move like waves. They rise, peak, and eventually settle again. We are not meant to hold onto painful emotional experiences forever. And yet, many of us were never taught how to safely feel our emotions with support nearby. Instead, many children grow up learning to cry alone, suppress their feelings, or hide emotional pain from others.

For many people, expressing emotion simply does not feel safe.

Over time, we begin disconnecting from ourselves. We stop recognizing our needs clearly. We learn to fear emotion instead of seeing it as information — a signal from within that something matters and needs attention.

Why Parents React Instead of Respond

So what happens when we carry unresolved emotional pain while also trying to care for children who need us every day?

Often, we move into self-protection. Our child’s emotions begin touching wounds within ourselves that were never fully comforted or understood. We become overwhelmed not only by our child’s distress, but by the feelings it awakens within us.

A sense of helplessness rises, followed by frustration or rage:
“Stop crying!”
“Go to your room!”
“I’ll give you something to cry about!”

Or sometimes we emotionally shut down and try to block it out altogether.

These automatic reactions are not simply about what is happening externally. As much as we may want to believe our child is “the problem,” these reactions are often connected to our own experiences of not feeling emotionally safe, seen, or supported growing up.

Parenting can stir up deep emotional pain — especially when we are expected to provide calm, attuned support to our children without ever having received it ourselves.

Emotions Stored Within the Body

There is something deeply meaningful in The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk. Our bodies carry emotional experiences, often long after the moment has passed.

When emotions rise within us, we feel them physically — tightness in the chest, nausea, heat, tension, exhaustion, or an urge to escape. How we experience emotion is often shaped by how we were supported growing up.

Children develop emotionally through safe connection and co-regulation. When emotional needs repeatedly go unsupported, patterns can become stuck and carry forward into adulthood. Without healing or support, wounded children often become overwhelmed adults.

Growth does not stop after childhood. As adults, we continue developing emotionally throughout our lives, especially during major transitions like becoming parents. These moments can become opportunities to build greater self-awareness, emotional regulation, and compassion toward ourselves and others.

But many of us forget that humans were never meant to carry emotional pain alone.

When our environment does not feel emotionally safe, emotions become trapped within us. We avoid, dismiss, shut down, lash out, or become reactive in an attempt to protect ourselves from feeling overwhelmed.

This is why emotional regulation for parents matters so deeply — not only for our own mental health, but for the well-being of our children and relationships.

Learning the “Pretzel Pause”

Can a parent heal their emotional wounds and become more at ease with their child’s emotions?

I believe healing begins with recognizing both our capacity to change and the impact our reactions can have on the people we love. This requires us to pause — to interrupt the automatic cycle that keeps perpetuating harm.

Like a pretzel, we must sometimes draw inward before we can soften and release.

We pause to reflect on why we react the way we do. We pause to notice what is happening inside of us before responding outwardly. And within that pause, something important happens: space begins to form where there previously was none.

With space comes possibility.

As simple as this sounds, you may notice resistance arise immediately. This is normal. Parts of us naturally try to protect us from discomfort and emotional pain.

Pausing in the middle of an emotional reaction can feel nearly impossible at first. Even standing still while your child is yelling may trigger intense physical sensations within you — tightness, heat, nausea, pressure, or the urge to escape. Remaining present instead of reacting through fight, flight, freeze, or shutdown can feel deeply uncomfortable.

At times, it may even feel like you are going backwards.

You may notice thoughts such as:
“This is pointless.”
“My kid is impossible.”
“I’m too broken for this.”
“I’m too exhausted.”
“I don’t have the energy.”

Moving from emotional suppression toward emotional awareness is difficult work. But without change, many parents remain trapped in cycles of yelling, guilt, shame, and regret.

The shame cycle keeps us stuck until we begin creating space to pause.

Releasing the Knot, One Step at a Time

Once you begin practicing the “pretzel pause,” the next step is learning how to gently release what has been held inside.

Healing emotional overwhelm is not about suppressing feelings or forcing ourselves to stay calm. It is about building awareness and allowing emotions to move through us safely.

1. Notice the Emotion in Your Body

Pause and notice what emotion is present.

Is it anger? Fear? Irritation? Helplessness?

What sensations do you notice physically? Tightness in your chest? Heat in your face? Pressure to fix, yell, or escape?

Awareness is the first step toward emotional regulation.

2. Allow Space for the Emotion Without Reacting

Can you remain present with the feeling without immediately acting on it?

Can you anchor yourself to your breath while your child cries or tantrums nearby?

Even learning to pause without reacting can greatly benefit your child. Children feel safer when adults remain emotionally grounded, even during difficult moments.

3. Practice Compassion Toward Yourself

Can you acknowledge that there is a reason you feel this way?

Many parents find it easier to offer compassion to others than to themselves. Yet self-compassion is often what our deepest emotional wounds need most.

You might gently remind yourself:
“It makes sense that this feels hard.”
“It makes sense that I feel overwhelmed.”
“I am learning something new.”

Notice whether resistance arises when you offer yourself kindness. Many of us carry impossible standards for ourselves that we would never place on others.

4. Respond with Intention

As the emotional wave settles, you regain the ability to respond instead of react.

You can then attune to both your child’s needs and your own.

Every child is different, and every parenting moment requires flexibility. But when we support our own emotions first, we create more calm, safety, and connection within our homes.

Life continues moving forward. Difficult moments pass. Repair becomes easier. Guilt softens. Emotional tension no longer builds in the same way.

Integrating Calm Parenting Into Your Home

When life feels stressful, our homes can begin to feel stressful too.

Home is meant to be a place of rest, connection, and restoration, yet many parents find themselves constantly overwhelmed, emotionally reactive, or mentally preoccupied.

With endless responsibilities, it can feel difficult to slow down and enjoy the life you have worked so hard to build.

But emotional regulation is not about becoming a “perfect” parent. It is about creating enough inner space to remain connected to yourself and your child during difficult moments.

Enjoying your children does not require expensive activities or perfect circumstances. Often, it begins with allowing emotions to exist safely within the home — without fear, shame, or emotional disconnection.

And perhaps one of the greatest gifts of all is this: when we learn to move through emotions with compassion and awareness, we teach our children that they can do the same.

Need Parenting Support?

At Attuned Therapy + Wellness, our team of registered mental health professionals supports parents, children, and families across Ontario through compassionate, trauma-informed therapy.

We understand how overwhelming parenting can feel when stress, emotional triggers, guilt, or burnout begin taking over daily life.

You do not have to carry that weight alone.

We offer virtual therapy across Ontario and invite you to book a free 15-minute consultation to explore what kind of support may feel best for you and your family.